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Friday, February 29th, 2008
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4:23 am - It is pretty cool that...
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Barack Obama has been on the campaign trail during Black History Month.
I got really emotional when I saw a newcast the other day that showed and old black woman going to vote for Hillary Clinton (we'll forgive her for that) and talking about how she remembers when black people were still segregated and treated badly in this country, and women couldn't even vote - and now there she was voting for a woman for president.
It gives me the warm fuzzies when I think about how we have a woman and a black man battling it out to represent the democratic party.
This country may not be perfect and may not be everything it can be - but it's come a long way from the ignorance and racism that was once widely acceptable. That is awesome.
BARACK THE VOTE!
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| Wednesday, February 20th, 2008
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11:16 am - you know what really bugs me...
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Pregnant women who do not look pregnant from behind.
Not fair.
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| Friday, February 15th, 2008
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1:15 pm
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I'm posting this mainly because my new job can be a little boring at times - not that I am complaining in the least, I'll take boring over the bullshit at LJF any day. More money, more responsibility, less actual work..? Yes, please. :)
and, I wanted to chime in on a few things:
Britney Spears- Stay home, call your kids, visit with your psychiatrist, embrace your family, don't do drugs. There, problem solved. Why can't she just listen to me? Or any of the other people telling her that.
What the hell happened to Ron Paul? I am not hearing anything else about him in the election coverage.. maybe I'm just not paying attention to the right thing? Either way, Obama is my second choice - no Hillary, please.
Valentine's Day- Fuck retail. I can't believe how many people run out and spend their money on CRAP and wait in line to sit down at an over priced restaurant. Cory and I had a wonderful evening, we cooked, and made each other gifts.. and it was the best V-Day ever. But hey, to each their own.
Strangers with Puppy-Training advice- please stop... I got this. You can see that she is clean, well fed, and very well behaved... I don't need to know what worked for your dog 216 years ago.
The lady who gets in the elevator before me almost every day- For the love of Pete, lay off the perfume! One tiny spray will do, if you must! Women who wear perfume every day to work freak me out.
Miley Cyrus - no ma'am.
Heidi Montag- Seriously? why are you even here? why?
Bobby Bones- you are the ultimate douche bag - and I am officially not going to even click over to your station during commercials.
that is all for now....
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| Thursday, February 14th, 2008
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1:36 pm - Writer's Block: Love Is...
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| Sunday, November 18th, 2007
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2:03 pm
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I want to tell you that I never feel more at peace than when you are with me... my home is in your heart. Cory, you are home to me.
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| Sunday, September 30th, 2007
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7:27 am - today is the greatest day.
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the man that I am madly in love with has confessed he is head over heels in love with me.
this is all i have wanted for months. really, it's all i've wanted my whole life - i just didn't know it until he whispered those words into my ear...
if there is a more wonderful feeling than this, i cannot imagine it....
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| Monday, July 9th, 2007
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7:19 pm
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Here are some of my short term goals for the next year of my life:
1. Lose 40 pounds with healthier eating and exercise.
2. Raise a great puppy.
3. Have $3000 in savings by Aug. 8, 2008.
4. Travel to a new place alone.
5. Think less. Meditate more.
6. Try to break a few OCD habits that make me crazy.
7. Develop great skin care habits.
8. Learn to cook more exotic foods.
9. Nurture the healthy parts of my relationship with my mother, and let go of the unhealthy parts.
10. Decorate my bedroom.
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| Monday, June 11th, 2007
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5:21 pm
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So far the single life is good. I am finding that I really enjoy not having to consider another person when making plans, and it's pretty awesome doing whatever the fuck I want. Still can't shake the thought and hope that Cory and I will be together again some day, but hey... guess that comes with the territory.
I get to move in 2 weeks! which is awesome news! I can't wait to live in my new apartment, and un-pack all my stuff and I think it will be a nice change.
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| Thursday, June 7th, 2007
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1:30 pm
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day 8 was met with much, much clarity. today I feel like a new woman. I'm pretty glad I gave in to the sadness and let myself move on. Last night when I went to sleep, after a long talk with Christee, I decided that tomorrow is a new day, and that it's time I put the past behind me and start putting myself first... with my mom, with relationships, friendships, everything. I am the most important thing in my life.
I think that Cory and I will have a great friendship, and I am ready to be friends with him now.
I am also ready to be alone for the first time in my life, a long period of no dating, no relationships and just working on myself. I am really ready for that.
So, this is me closing the chapter of "First Heartbreak I didn't inflict on myself."
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| Tuesday, June 5th, 2007
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11:56 pm - day 6
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fuck day 6. fuck day 6 with a huge, huge penis and no lube.
i cried alot today. i broke down and balled like a little child the same way i did the night he broke up with me. i guess after 4 days of not crying it was just time. or maybe i cried my tear ducts dry and today my tears were making they're come back. welcome back, fuckers.
to top that off, today was earth shattering in the world of alcoholic mother. looooooong story short: mom and aunt had a huge fight and my aunt has now decided that she is going to have to cut all contact. my mom can't call the kids, or my aunt and uncle. and they don't want to see her either. not until she gets better. period. this comes after i deliver my mom 2 huge blows last week: 1) I cannot be the person she goes to for support when it comes to venting and basically shit talking about my grama and my aunt (she's manifested this idea that they are against her, and bla fucking bla bla) I just can't hear her say anymore bad things about my family that I love and that has been there for me. 2) I told her that I will not knowingly get pregnant and have a child as long as she is still an alcoholic, I refuse to bring a child into this.
my mom is going to try to drag me down with her. she is going to melt down, and freak the fuck out. and i do not know what to do. i talked to my aunt for a total of 3 hours throughout today and my mom for like an hour. i really don't know what to do. my family is literally falling apart, and it is killing me.
and all i want to do is be in Cory's arms because even though we never talked much about all this stuff, and he probably never knew it but he was a huge comfort to me. cause when i had a bad day and i had alot of shit to deal with about my mom (which is like at least 2-3 times a week these days) i would go over there and my boyfriend would be there for me and we would do our thing and at the end of the day i had someone to hold me and make me feel safe. i just don't know how i am going to get through all this without that comfort.
p.s. this blog is really about all of nyrie's awesomeness. and she has taught me that laughter is comfort too. now if i could just get her to spoon me... :o)
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| Monday, June 4th, 2007
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7:30 pm - day 5 of the Cory-Free phase.
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yeah, I know I said I wasn't going to number the days anymore, but today is especially ridiculous. the reason for it is beyond me.
I want to cry. and I'm pretty sure I am going to burst into tears once I get home. or maybe even in my car.
ALL I WANT TO DO IS CONTACT CORY.
This is so fucking annoying. I wish I didn't want him anymore. I wish I didn't miss him so much.
Today is really bad, as far as missing him. I even had the thought to call him and tell him (big fat lie) that I am ready to be friends and that I want to see him.
Why the fuck would you do that to yourself, jes? seriously.
I managed to talk myself off the ledge, and not call him. He wouldn't believe me anyway -what with the pathetic display I put on the night he broke up with me.
According to the book all this shit is completely normal, and I should feel empowered by the fact that I haven't broken down and called him.
yay me. *sigh*
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| Sunday, June 3rd, 2007
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3:07 pm - day 4
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I'm going to stop numbering the days after this. It's pretty lame.
I think I am becoming co-dependent on my time with Nyrie & Christee. But that's not so bad, they'll never break up with me. They love our committed relationships :o)
I am reading "It's Called a Break-up Because it's Broken", and I have decided that I will be ready to be friends with Cory when I am done with the book, and not calling him isn't such a struggle.
I am excited about moving, and about all the awesome plans I am making with friends and family for the upcoming weekends. Life is good.
I am starting to see that being with him was obviously not meant to be (at least right now) otherwise we would be. Bottom line. I believe in fate, and fate led him to me... then took him away and let all that great stuff happen in between. But I'm still here, alone. Wearing the love I started to feel for him like a blanket and when I'm not cold anymore, I will take it off and I will still be myself. My awesomeness transcends heart break.
I don't know if I have given up on finding someone. I fight with that part of me that hopes Cory will come to his senses and want to be with me. But even if he does, no matter what, it would never be the same. I would always wait for the other shoe to drop, and he would find the process of proving himself exhausting. Ugh.
I'm better off alone. For now. I think I need to embrace being alone and see what thats like. No relationships until 2008.
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| Saturday, June 2nd, 2007
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2:59 pm - day 3
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so I still haven't cried again.... I think it's kind of like a kid who throws a tantrum, and then they are just done and are ready to play. I think the first 36 hours was my tantrum. On Thursday it really felt like I'm back, and maybe better than ever.
Now all I want to do is call or email or IM Cory. Thank god he blocked me on google chat and didn't return any of my emails from day 1.
I just got so attached to talking to him everyday. It's weird not calling him. But I know it's what I have to do.
It is really nice to make plans and not have to consider the other person, I can just do what I want. I know I'd still prefer it the way it was because I got to be with Cory in that scenario, but I have no choice.
So, I decided that I am not that person who sits around pining and wishing things weren't the way they are. I am strong, and I am better than that. I have a fucking life to live. I was fine before Cory, and I will be fine after him.
After all, he is the guy who broke up with me.
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| Friday, June 1st, 2007
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12:00 pm - day 2
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12pm and I haven't cried once today. work is a GREAT distraction. and interacting with people is a fucking savior.
it's when I am alone, or something really reminds me of Cory that I get sad. But at least today sadness isn't bringing tears. There is a part of me that thinks I will never not be sad when reminded of certain things. It's like a death in that way, there are still a few things that can get me really emotional about little Grama, and she died 2 years ago. I still get sad about things from mone and Dieters relationship, and I chose to leave that. I can't imagine what this will be like.
wow. broken up with for the first time at 28.
I guess I am pretty awesome. Believe the hype.
quote of the day:
"The best way to mend a broken heart is time and girlfriends." -Gwyneth Paltrow
On another note, I am still continuing the struggle to hold the relationship with my mother together. I need to call her everyday, but sometimes it's just hard for me. She doesn't understand. She thinks I am just the strongest person in the world, and can handle anything. She doesn't know that I'm falling apart inside, and more and more with her every word. I just got off of a 40 minute phone conversation with her, this time i managed to turn the negativity around. It's just so hard on me. I want her to get better so I just have to stay strong and keep dealing with it.
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| Thursday, May 31st, 2007
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11:00 am
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heart break.
anger.
tears.
driving in my car.
music isn't the same.
time goes by slowly.
sleep is now the escape.
but i can't sleep.
everything reminds me of him.
everything is a huge gut check of the fact that he isn't in your life the way you want him to be.
i wish i could stop crying.
i wish i could stop crying.
i look like shit.
i feel like shit.
why does this hurt so bad?
is it because you didn't decide? is it because he blindsided you with a decision you had nothing to do with? i like to decide. it's sort of my thing. well, not anymore.
it's like a death. i have to mourn the thing that used to make me so happy. i have to miss him in a way that makes me scream. because i know that part of us is gone.
his lips.
his hands.
his touch.
are all gone.
i want nothing else.
i want no one else.
he wants to wander alone.
without me.
no matter what he says or anyone says about how wonderful i am. this man i fell in love with would rather not be with me.
since when is loving someone an obligation?
now i feel like our time together wasn't what i thought it was.
because was he just waiting for me to go away the whole time?
he couldn't have been. right?
i genuinely want him to be okay, and not be hurt, cause i wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.
but i also really want him to hurt as much as i do.
if i'm so fucking awesome then why am i alone, again. awesome people don't get dumped.
i started reading "It's called a break-up because it's broken." the same one i bought for Christee last year. i never thought i would need a book like that.
i'm angry. and hurt.
and i miss him. all i want is to be in his arms, like yesterday, for that 2 horus we were slow dancing in a burning room. and it was bitter fucking sweet. and i would give my left arm to be back there with him.
god, i fucking hate this.
pain like this just isn't fair.
i'd take a toothache any day.
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10:49 am
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Slow Dancing In A Burning Room
by John Mayer:
It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
This love that we've been workin on
Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
We pulled too many false alarms
We're goin down
And you can see it too
We're goin down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear
We're slow dancing in a burnin room
I was the one you always dreamed of
You were the one I tried to draw
How dare you say it's nothing to me
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw
I'll make the most of all the sadness
You'll be a bitch because you can
You try to hit me just hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand
We're goin down
And you can see it too
We're goin down
And you know that we're doomed
My dear
We're slow dancing in a burnin room
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
My dear, we're slow dancin' in a burnin' room,
Burnin' room, burnin' room
Don't you think we oughta know by now
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we oughta know by now
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we oughta know by now
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
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| Tuesday, May 1st, 2007
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9:13 am - May 1, 1979
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| Tuesday, April 24th, 2007
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2:34 pm
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it is times like this when I know that I am truly happy in this time...
when
I
cannot
write
a
thing.
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| Monday, April 16th, 2007
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6:21 pm - entry #4123651
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This online journal has basically been the Drunk Mom Diaries for it's entire exsistence. sigh.
I went over to the house Saturday night, and I would swear she had been drinking, and I did see some empty beers on the island in the kitchen. Chances are they did not all belong to my Dad. Then she called me today to chat, and she sounded drunk. I don't know what the fuck to do, or what to believe. and I am sooooooo sick of dealing with this.
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| Wednesday, April 11th, 2007
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9:56 pm
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I hung out with my mom today for a long time, and she told me that she's been sober for 41 days now. It's my gut reaction not to believe her, but I really, really want to... and I think this time I will let myself.
She is so different when she is sober. She opens up and tells me things about "when she drank" she speaks of it in the past tense... which is good. She used to slip up and that's how she would give herself away.
It's hard for me to really trust her still... but I feel like I am closer than ever.
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